It's the day before my 37th birthday and the 3rd day of my Thanksgiving break. I should be enjoying the time with my family and kids. Instead. I'm getting stressed about how I going to get this school work done. My professors are saying that I should enjoy the process of getting a degree. Right now, it's turning into a chore and a drag.
In the last entry, I had said that I realize that I'm doing too much. I still feel that way. My professor also said to me that I shouldn't be gigging and trying to get another degree. It worked for my 1st two degrees. Also, she doesn't know the entire financial situation. The gigs help pay off debt and the bills. The way I feel now is that if I can't leave my job to pursue this degree, I just need to stop. I know I need to do something quickly when a colleague looks at me and says that I looked stressed and all of the happiness is gone.
What I will not do is give up playing my instrument to get a degree. I'd rather not have the degree than give up playing. I thought after not teaching privately would help and it has helped; not as much as I thought it would. In many ways, I miss it; it kept me connected to the band world.
What I want to do is perform, teach and write music, within a balanced schedule. Not 95% teaching, 4% playing and 1% writing. For what I want to do, I really DONT need the Ph.D.
When I look back on my decision, I was motivated by money. I figured if I'm going to be in the public school system, make all of the money. Now, I'm not sure if I really want to do that. I have other interest and goals. I have a family that I want to spend time with. This is the reason I'm working so much: I want to pay off debt so that I can have more choices in my profession.
Right now I feel stuck in a job; I REALLY HATE this feeling. I want to be able to leave if I want to. I don't see myself there for 20 more years.
That's it for now...gotta go. TTYL
